It's funny you should ask me this livejournal. You see, last night Jennifer enlisted Sarah to help her make a Holyhead Harpies uniform and I ended up staying there until 6am, realized it was 6am and then went home. Now, an hour and 30 minutes later I'm on Livejournal. Hey!

Michael Pankey, just because.

and I know you will because it's awesome, please be sure to cast Robert Pattinson as me and feature prominently scenes of me going to see his movies and wincing thus ensuring that the movie will be a work of post-modern genius.

This is the most honest thing I can say: if I die there will be so much left untold. I will leave nothing of myself because I'll exist only in the memories people have of me and it doesn't make a full picture. There will be so many silent moments that will dissolve because I don't know how to say how much they mean. The spaces in all of the songs I love will go away and all that will be left will be the music. I'm so tired of competing and of structure and of living on the surface and all I want is someone I can be silent with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLQmYNsgKy0

If you eat or wear animal products I really think it's critical that you know where they come from. Turning a blind eye does not make the exploitation of animals go away and I believe that it's really important for our culture to move away from the mass consumption of animal products because we can not sustain it on this scale in a humane way. Going vegan or vegetarian now decreases the demand for animal products and thus ensures that less animals will be killed in this way. It will(and should be) a slow process but I believe it's really important to start it now. If you still want to eat meat I implore you to look into buying it from farms that allow their animals to live out their lives in a good setting and kill in a humane way.

Today I slept through a lolita meetup because I've gotten into the habit of sleeping until 4 everyday because I have nothing to do but stay up, this is going to be such an issue at Bonnaroo and my Bonnaroo yoga obsession. It's also going to be an issue as far as my feeling effective at things. After that I accomplished nothing except for buying a silly sweater and eating out twice. My father is turning 60 tomorrow! Isn't that strange?

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and it was such a wonderful free time. I've been feeling very free recently, not all of the time but it's been magical. I just always want to feel like I'm going somewhere and to feel like obstacles will lead to something besides more obstacles. Not  that they ever will but the feeling that you can surmount the insurmountable is uplifting.
I'm trying really hard to be open to everything and it's making me see things in a whole new light, like, I really feel like routine is a state of mind and that it's too easy to think that you will be meeting the same people and having the same conversations with them but you can open yourself up to people and find them anew.
Sam and I got high last night and talked about everything as well. I feel like I understand all of the issues that I had with him that weren't really issues and it's actually kind of frustrating to think that I made assumptions that made me feel like I liked him less. I found out the other day that he's a double sag with a virgo rising (my ascendant, hence us both putting things through a mental filter but him being more of a trailblazer than me with my libra moon) and it makes so much sense. Also, by talking I mean screaming apparently because at one point some police just showed up out of the woods and told us that there were noise complaints. I always forget that Jennifer's house is not it's own country.

If I were a boy I would wear hardcore shirts all of the time despite listening to folk. I would buy two pairs of Levi's with button flys and one pair of converse and a few sweaters and wear them to death because it would make me feel like I was wearing pajamas constantly. I would also wear those fancy scarves that people wear now regularly so I could feel special. I would have stubble pretty regularly because it's more socially acceptable as a man and I would occasionally grow a beard but then flip out and shave it because hair is weird; I would also probably trim my armpit hair but not shave it for fear of seeming weird, I would be very fond of my chest hair though. I would drink a lot less than I do now for fear of getting a large belly like my dad's. I would smoke Pink Dreams in public because it would make me feel eccentric. I would dye my hair turquoise once and then wait eagerly for it to grow out. I would save a lot of money to buy a vintage convertible and  then feel bad for not buying something more environmentally friendly. I would very regularly feel awkward for the feminine mannerisms I imagine I would have. I would go down to lakes constantly so I could be shirtless in the sun and I would absolutely buy some of those really gay looking short swim trunks. I would definitely be gay, if I wasn't I would have a fetish for stockings and garters but be too shy to ask girls out. I would grow my hair until it was huge and dumb looking because the fashion allows for it now. I would take up painting so that I could put my feet in paint and walk on a piece of paper occasionally. I would be more into pain than I am now and would probably jump off of stupid things and have a scar on my arm from when I decided that I wanted to find out what a cigarette burn felt like. I would have a few tattoos that I would put a lot of time into. I would constantly be on the lookout for a suit that made me think of myself. I would occasionally bring a blanket in a backpack to the park and fall asleep in the sun. I would walk around in the house naked but only in the winter because it would feel to gross and sweaty in the summer. I would eventually grow up and be a proffessor with a briefcase full of notebooks who wore gray slacks and ties that come in fun colors or that feature animals. Nothing too tacky though.

So, Sarah and I have a mysterious(there isn't a wiggly option but it should be to show how it is properly spoken) foreigner visiting us sometime over the summer(haven't worked out when). This foreigner will be kept anonymous to protect his/her identity for mysterious reasons. If you had a mysterious foreigner visiting your home city of Atlanta where would you take them? Not as a getting to know you exercise but we for real don't know what to do with him/her. If you want you can do this for your hometown as a getting to know you exercise. But, for real, people from Atlanta: what would you do with this foreigner? People who have visited Atlanta: what did you most enjoy doing?

I'm already fucking up school and the fun has just begun. I need to stop getting high as often as I have been. I need to do work. I need to stop being so depressed all of the time. But I don't do any of these things because I am not an effective person. I do watch Gossip Girl and knit another Ravenclaw scarf though.

Finally I own a Bob Dylan album. Why did this take me so long? I don't know but I wish it hadn't. Bob Dylan and cocorosie have been music for me recently. In other words I sort of detached myself from my folk/lo-fi  phase for a while by re-getting into punk but I love folk music infinitely and will never let myself not realize that even if I go through other phases.
I've been going through a lot of shit recently but I think I'm learning how to reassemble who I am instead of drowning in it. Here is a cocorosie song I love. It's actually a feeling I'm ridiculously familiar with.

I undressed you with my eyes I have
Maybe even raped you
In a dark and eerie corner of my mind
I tucked you there
And touched you in a dream last night
Pushed you aside when you entered
My thoughts at the wrong time

I have sat up upon your lap and
Saddled my thighs around your hips like ropes
I rode you on a chair and in the shower
And all the while I clung heavy to your back
My desire deeply harnessed in your spine

While I squeezed you like a tree trunk
You may have been one
Sexless and comfort in your mind
Even barer than a child's
I'm riding recklessly through a thick and humid
Jungle growing anxious with the deep and primal
Yearning that stirs
Deeply pulsing up toward the surface
Like sap rising or honey or tar

Jennifer and I went to visit Sam's college over the weekend for our birthdays (mine is on the 25th (tomorrow, WEIRD!) and Jennifer and Sam's are on the 30th.). We met up Friday and after much delay set off. We actually talked for 8 hours straight which is proof that we have not been spending nearly enough time one on one. I really like road trips especially when they don't last 16 hours and only have to involve the bitchiness of people I know I can forgive for anything. (Jennifer and I will ACTUALLY be friends forever. That's just what will happen). It was cool though.Sam's college is really weird and flat and spaced out. It's like actually the size of the Georgia Tech campus but with only like 20 buildings. The dorms sort of arrange themselves in a maze and his is like a motel. He has his own dorm bathroom and a balcony which is pretty ritzy. His roommate is actually really awesome. The only cosmetic sort of product he owned was dredlock shampoo and dredlock wax whereas Sam has infinite product. There's beer everywhere. His roommate is basically the definition of a hippie. He had Led Zeppelin poster- Bob Marley poster- Jimi Hendrix poster- Forever 27 poster- and poster he made on Adderall. On Saturday night he burst in a bunch of friends and played Sufjan Stevens and then Dark Side of the Moon really loud while trying to write haikus. I'm pretty sure he was way high because he was asking us how many syllables Christmas has. Also the classes he had could actually be going towards majoring in being a hippie. Everyone was a hipster and on drugs and way small. Sam was pleased that we found it so surreal because he did  not enjoy it so much. Apparently he had expected it to be like Dragon*Con 24/7 where you learn about things you care about all day (because Sam goes to constant panels too) and party all night. Instead everyone is like "I'm on so many drugs" and Sam is like "I'm on a moderate amount of drugs. I think I'll rebel by working out.". They're right by the ocean though and I sort of regret not kayaking across the bay. They do have a really excellent cafe though. It's like college food where none of it actually makes sense to eat as a meal but it's excellent and healthy and way vegan with smoothies and an excellent couch.
Over the course of the weekend I had infinite Guiness which makes me so happy because everyone else that I could possibly drink with around here is like "Cheap vodka!!!!!!!" and I'm like "eww". We also drank a lot of wine with Sam's group of friends who could actually make sense in real life. It's fun to drink wine in a giant circle out of used Starbucks cups. I never got full flegded drunk which was also cool I guess.
The best time we had was going for breakfast at 2pm at a town close to the beach. We were so depressed for so long because everything was expensive and weird but then we found this place called "The Blue Dolphin Cafe"  which allowed all of  us to indulge in our weirdest eating habits (Jennifer: home fries, a biscuit, a fried egg, bacon. Me: garden burger with thousand island dressing and guacamole as well as fries with various combinations of thousand island dressing, ketchup, and spicy mustard. Sam: oatmeal and secretly pouring creamer into a cup we brought in with ice and drinking it.). The town also had a lot of greek statues and they tried to incorporate Christmas decor into them which we took pictures with. In Sarasota was a giant statue of that guy kissing his girlfriend after coming back from one of the world wars. By Giant I mean I'm almost as tall as the girl's shoe is long.
I drove all the way back. As you can tell it was way confusing.

I had my car back for TWO DAYS after getting the transmission re-built and it started overheating. It's not driving as well as it used to either. I really miss having a car. I'm going crazy only being able to leave independently on occasion.
To compensate I've been being obsessive. I finished A Lion Among Men!!! I've gone from sort of liking Wicked to being a huge Gregory Maguire geek. I don't really even care that much about the Oz universe (I love the movie but have never been able to get into the books) but I really feel like the journeys that his characters take are so important and mean so much. I'll explain it better after I have re-read Wicked and Son of a Witch.
I've also been looking at EGL clothes on the internet pretty constantly. I used to just think of EGL as something that was nice but maybe not for me but now I really want to have outfits for conventions so I can be pretty like a cake. Sadly all of the clothes cost so much money and I do not have so much money. I guess it's worth it for those who chose to make it their everyday style but since those style clothes only express a small part of my personality I don't think I would care to buy lots of pieces to wear always.
I really wish my life was cooler right now. And I don't want excitement for the sake of trying to make my life exciting but because it's something that I thrive on. I would like to go to Sam's school and do ecstasy on the beach. Sometimes I get concerned that his entire college has replaced me. And I have no one to really have fun with anymore. I have people who are far too restless and people who are far too sedentary. For some reason recently I've been easier to approach and attracting one specific type- that is skinny and serious boys with short hair who want to talk to me about economics. I like economics but I also like things like running through fields. It's better than attracting no one though. Or drunk people. I don't really feel unattractive (except for occasionally when I see a really unflattering picture of myself. Or when I'm nude, but at any rate that's better than most girls I know.) but I feel like I come off as icy unless I'm with friends. But actually this doesn't mean I'm improving because I've only been approached with friends. :~(. That was intended to be a tear, but it's a nose. What is the purpose of ~ anyway? What does it mean?
Anyway. I'm pleased with the president elect and I want to make out with cute boys at concerts.
Also: Dir En Grey was excellent. I look forward to Ghostland Observatory, The Cruxshadows, and Gwar.

Comment and I'll give you a letter.
Then you have to list ten things you LOVE that begin with that letter.
Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

mikawa_kizuna gave me a P

( Look behind the cut.. )

 
Look at your LJ interests list. If you have fewer than 50 interests, pick every fifth one. If you have between fifty and seventy-five interests, pick every seventh one. If you have over seventy-five interests, pick every tenth one. List them on your LJ, and tell everyone exactly what it is about these things that interests you so much.

( yeah... )

I love music so much. I especially love music that is expressive and makes me understand how it feels in beautiful ways because then I remember that I am not Raymond. I think that you probably have no idea how reassured I feel when I realize that I'm not Raymond. It's not that there's anything wrong with being Raymond if you're Raymond but Raymond is the opposite of what's correct for me.
I bought the Smog c.d. when I was in Little 5 Points for the Halloween parade and I listened to it once and went like "eh" but then I listened to it a few more times because I wasn't particularly opposed to it and then was like "actually you are genius." It makes me happy that they are so simplistic but so true and real and beautiful. It's refreshing because generally I look to complex beauty and feel in awe but disconnected.
I really can't express how I feel about music. I think it's because my soul is such a strange soul and when I find something that articulates it I become filled with passion. I love expressive movies too. The other day I watched Lady Vengeance and finally understood that everything in it is on purpose and nothing is not thought over and that even though the story is not entirely about Geum-ja, it is Geum-ja.
I don't know. I actually feel so much that it's ridiculous and it's rare that I express the true depth of my mood swings/feelings/moods/thoughts/whatever because it's all so complicated and so long and my brain has created shorthand rather than linear thoughts. Someday I will meet someone who has the capacity to feel as much as strangely as I do and never let them go. But I also feel self indulgent feeling this about myself. Like, it's so hard for me to take myself seriously when I feel like this. But then I remember that I can't relate to anyone so it's all true. All of it. Or not because people feel more ridiculous than is true alone at night. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Also: you, who only Linnea  is reading this and knowing who you are, I wish that I hadn't lost contact with you because I was too busy being responsible because I wanted to talk to you about music forever. Or I guess other people at that event know who I'm referring to too. But now I feel like you think I was trying to ditch you but I ditch people so on purpose and bluntly that I honestly feel more bad that you have a bad opinion of me because sometimes I am too selfish. I also really enjoy being soooo vague. Good night.

Surely by now you know how much I adore Joanna Newsom.
One time I looked up the songmeanings.net for Emily and someone was talking about how she got meteorites and meteoroids confused in the lyrics. But really, since the song is a tribute to her sister and the lyric is about how she will put it in terms that she can relate to (verse) so that she can remember what her astronomer sister taught her. Wouldn't it be so genius if she mixed them up on purpose to point out that she's trying but hasn't really gotten it yet?
I think so.

Sometimes life is an endless sea of sadness. Right now I think it's more like a lake of sadness. I would like to hit on someone who is never online. I wonder if he would like for me to hit on him? Hmmm.....
This weekend should be nice, I guess, Sam is coming back which will be cool. Luci is also coming back but I don't hang out with her so much.
I like soft things and nice colors and recently I've been an extreme girl. But I will still never really be a teen girl. There is nothing to do in Atlanta at 3 in the morning.
If a man named Sir Daddy offers to do your makeup the answer is no.
I often wish I could feel more secure about myself, my appearance and my interests. But that sort of thing is hard to control. I guess I just have to live? That's probably the answer.

I feel kind of gross in my throat because of so many Gobstoppers. I tried to fix it with real food and water but it didn't work. Maybe because real food in this instance is really sketchy ramen noodles from Jennifer's basement.

Life has been interesting in ways that I don't necessarily want to go into but basically my reactions to everything have been way more emotional than really makes sense and that it's working against me so instead I should just chill!

Last night we (we being the group) saw Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. I interpreted it as I want to be Michael Cera's band and ride around in a van and be SO HAPPY. Instead I rode around with Linnea everywhere forever and talked about a lot of things. Lately any time anyone engages me in conversation it comes back to the basic nature of things which means I have re-taught myself what highschool un-taught me. At any rate, I lied to myself when I told myself I had something to make a post about.

Also: I will never leave Jennifer's house! Not my fault!