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Here are some things I feel like putting out in the universe, because sometimes you should do that. In general I feel like I should actually use Livejournal ever.

AWA: I honestly don't get anime, really I don't. I like the ones from my childhood like Pokemon and Sailor Moon and I like good serious ones like Ghost in the Shell(especially) and Death Note(even though it's not particularly riveting or unpredictable) and I love Miyazaki but in general I feel like Naruto and stuff is way too ADD, and that is expressed in the culture. Not trying to hate, just trying to say how I feel.
I did have a good deal of fun though. Saturday I had one of the funnest nights of my life. I need to remember to ditch the drama in the future and sprain my ankle a little bit and dance until I'm dead. I seperated myself from the people I was with at Peelander-Z and I made everyone around me mad for dancing too hard, I then followed some speakers around, went to the rave, ignored the drama, ditched the rave and she who must not be named because I can ditch people too and that bitch can take care of herself(not Sarah, FYI, she ditched out too), and followed the speakers around again. It was unpretentious, direct and fun and I wasn't drunk or nothin'. I honestly do love you all and want to be there for you all but I can learn not to get involved in shit that I can't make better and have fun alone. I really do prefer to be alone. And I prefer to be enthusiastic and embrace life.

Creation: Recently I've been cleaning in order to redecorate my room and I'm so excited even though my means are meager. I have all of these posters collected that will create a beautiful color scheme and I'm thinking about paint and everything else and it makes me so excited. I guess one thing that's been missing from my life recently is creativitiy. I want to learn everything. I want to play ukelele or guitar and start taking random pictures that aren't of events again. I also really want to learn how to sew so I can have lolita dresses to wear when I want. I also want to cook more. Sometimes I really truly feel that I want to make as much stuff from scratch as possible because if it can be made I can make it and I would love to become good at all sorts of strange proccesses. This does not apply only to food. I'm also sort of opening my eyes truly and fully to the idea of endless possibilities instead of limited ones. I've been looking up art and thinking about how it doesn't mean anything important for history as much as it means that someone has been remarkable for seeing something new and actualising it.

Identity: Closely analyze everything you do, also understand that suffering is not what shapes you, it's the overcoming of that state. Not that suffering is something to be avoided, you will suffer, you cannot shut it off, learn to love it. I also want everyone to please stop assigning things to me. I'm generally straightforward and never care about anything for impure reasons, honestly. My biggest flaws are being overly critical and defensive, true, but I'm not everything that has been assigned to me, and that includes lazy, unmotivated, needy, overly emotional.... you know.

Responsibilty: I'm not going to let people be ditched off on me anymore... Sarah. It's cool though because it's easily corrected.

Secrets: I hate that shit, everyone. Not because of anything except for I'm willing to know the whole you and I would rather that than an edited version of you. I guess some people like having them and that's not a perspective I can relate to.

Fall: Oh shit y'all, I wanna take some shoes off and put some feet in some grass while it doesn't hurt and suck like winter.

War & Peace: I finished that book, finally.
So, I went to see Moon today (which I thoroughly enjoyed) and they showed previews pretty much back to back for a retrospective on Ozsploitation(apparently Australia was the king of the Exploitation era... who knew?) and Thirst (the new Park Chanwook movie, fuck you Twilight!) which set off some major wires in my brain. See, one of my main pet peeves is nostalgia, why, you ask? Because when people wax on about how movies in the 70s were better or how they want to go back to the Grindhouse theaters or they want they're old punk back or what have you I want to stab my eyes out because it will never ever happen that way again. Those movies sprung up organically at that time and you know what? It's fucking over because if you try to recreate it it's not the same because ultimately all you're doing is making an homage to shit that's over when you could be moving forward with your life. Yeah, Death Proof was cool, but was it interesting? Was it original? No, it was Quentin Tarantino wishing he could have made Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill. When movements like exploitation or punk rock happen (don't even get me started on the Casualties and bands like that who can't get over the fact that it isn't cool or shocking anymore to be punk) they belong to a certain time period because they're just coming up then and no one knows what they're doing and it's all about the creativity of the thing itself and not about knowing what the movement is and recreating it. You can't make I Drink Your Blood or Harold and Maude or the Sex Pistols anymore and that's ok because it happened and it was cool and it's over and in the 70s we would have never made the Reader unless we were in France at the time or the Girlfriend Experience or cool shit like Oldboy or something. We are making cool movies now actually so please chill the fuck out and stop thinking about an era that's passed when you could be being a productive part in making this one awesome. I guess Moon could have come out in the 70s so that's not the best example but you know what's going to be awesome? Thirst. And you know what the 70s would not have produced in the same way? Thirst. So fuck you, get over it.

Writer's Block: All-Nighter

When was the last time you stayed up all night? What were you doing?
It's funny you should ask me this livejournal. You see, last night Jennifer enlisted Sarah to help her make a Holyhead Harpies uniform and I ended up staying there until 6am, realized it was 6am and then went home. Now, an hour and 30 minutes later I'm on Livejournal. Hey!
In your opinion, what is the cutest animal baby?
Michael Pankey, just because.

When you make a movie about my life...

and I know you will because it's awesome, please be sure to cast Robert Pattinson as me and feature prominently scenes of me going to see his movies and wincing thus ensuring that the movie will be a work of post-modern genius.

The only thing I can think to say now

This is the most honest thing I can say: if I die there will be so much left untold. I will leave nothing of myself because I'll exist only in the memories people have of me and it doesn't make a full picture. There will be so many silent moments that will dissolve because I don't know how to say how much they mean. The spaces in all of the songs I love will go away and all that will be left will be the music. I'm so tired of competing and of structure and of living on the surface and all I want is someone I can be silent with.

If you aren't already vegan/vegetarian


If you eat or wear animal products I really think it's critical that you know where they come from. Turning a blind eye does not make the exploitation of animals go away and I believe that it's really important for our culture to move away from the mass consumption of animal products because we can not sustain it on this scale in a humane way. Going vegan or vegetarian now decreases the demand for animal products and thus ensures that less animals will be killed in this way. It will(and should be) a slow process but I believe it's really important to start it now. If you still want to eat meat I implore you to look into buying it from farms that allow their animals to live out their lives in a good setting and kill in a humane way.
Today I slept through a lolita meetup because I've gotten into the habit of sleeping until 4 everyday because I have nothing to do but stay up, this is going to be such an issue at Bonnaroo and my Bonnaroo yoga obsession. It's also going to be an issue as far as my feeling effective at things. After that I accomplished nothing except for buying a silly sweater and eating out twice. My father is turning 60 tomorrow! Isn't that strange?

Life Life Life

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and it was such a wonderful free time. I've been feeling very free recently, not all of the time but it's been magical. I just always want to feel like I'm going somewhere and to feel like obstacles will lead to something besides more obstacles. Not  that they ever will but the feeling that you can surmount the insurmountable is uplifting.
I'm trying really hard to be open to everything and it's making me see things in a whole new light, like, I really feel like routine is a state of mind and that it's too easy to think that you will be meeting the same people and having the same conversations with them but you can open yourself up to people and find them anew.
Sam and I got high last night and talked about everything as well. I feel like I understand all of the issues that I had with him that weren't really issues and it's actually kind of frustrating to think that I made assumptions that made me feel like I liked him less. I found out the other day that he's a double sag with a virgo rising (my ascendant, hence us both putting things through a mental filter but him being more of a trailblazer than me with my libra moon) and it makes so much sense. Also, by talking I mean screaming apparently because at one point some police just showed up out of the woods and told us that there were noise complaints. I always forget that Jennifer's house is not it's own country.

If I were a male...

If I were a boy I would wear hardcore shirts all of the time despite listening to folk. I would buy two pairs of Levi's with button flys and one pair of converse and a few sweaters and wear them to death because it would make me feel like I was wearing pajamas constantly. I would also wear those fancy scarves that people wear now regularly so I could feel special. I would have stubble pretty regularly because it's more socially acceptable as a man and I would occasionally grow a beard but then flip out and shave it because hair is weird; I would also probably trim my armpit hair but not shave it for fear of seeming weird, I would be very fond of my chest hair though. I would drink a lot less than I do now for fear of getting a large belly like my dad's. I would smoke Pink Dreams in public because it would make me feel eccentric. I would dye my hair turquoise once and then wait eagerly for it to grow out. I would save a lot of money to buy a vintage convertible and  then feel bad for not buying something more environmentally friendly. I would very regularly feel awkward for the feminine mannerisms I imagine I would have. I would go down to lakes constantly so I could be shirtless in the sun and I would absolutely buy some of those really gay looking short swim trunks. I would definitely be gay, if I wasn't I would have a fetish for stockings and garters but be too shy to ask girls out. I would grow my hair until it was huge and dumb looking because the fashion allows for it now. I would take up painting so that I could put my feet in paint and walk on a piece of paper occasionally. I would be more into pain than I am now and would probably jump off of stupid things and have a scar on my arm from when I decided that I wanted to find out what a cigarette burn felt like. I would have a few tattoos that I would put a lot of time into. I would constantly be on the lookout for a suit that made me think of myself. I would occasionally bring a blanket in a backpack to the park and fall asleep in the sun. I would walk around in the house naked but only in the winter because it would feel to gross and sweaty in the summer. I would eventually grow up and be a proffessor with a briefcase full of notebooks who wore gray slacks and ties that come in fun colors or that feature animals. Nothing too tacky though.

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September 2009


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